Choose The Response - Again. And Again
“I think at the end of the day, the way you measure your life is by how you react to struggles and how you persevere. It’s not the end result. It’s the journey”
There’s a draft I’ve had sitting for nearly two years now that I never finished. It dates back to another ominous “can we meet” message from HR, two weeks after finding out my wife was expecting our second baby.
I’ve been in this situation before. A couple of times. And that feeling in your stomach doesn’t go away- the fear, the uncertainty, the feeling of being untethered.
Time passed, and it all worked out fine. Things changed for the better, as they almost always do. That unexpected conversation eventually led me to start PlaceMark Talent- something I'd always wanted to do but probably never would have without the push. But in the moment, it felt daunting.
What brought me back to this writing was another recent obstacle at a key turning point in life. The afternoon before signing and finalizing all of the documents on our first home purchase, I learned that one of my largest clients would be ending our contract within the month. The timing is never ideal or convenient for transitions, but every so often it feels like everything changes at the same time.
It’s been 9 years since I last wrote about responding to obstacles, and reading that piece again, I was surprised by how much of it still held up. There are patterns to responding well to adversity- patterns that help us move from one thing to the next with grace.
Think of these as states of transition. We all navigate them, some forced, some chosen. We are defined by something (a job, a relationship, a sport), and then suddenly we’re not. These moments of change are uncomfortable because they challenge the identities and structures we’ve built around ourselves. But comfort has its own risks. So does the illusion of a safety net. Some of the biggest risks are the ones that quietly grow over time.
In a way, transition is what I’ve chosen to focus on for a living: guiding people as they move from one role to the next. Finding myself on the other side of that process, navigating the same uncertainty I’ve helped others through, has been both humbling and insightful.
Challenging situations remind me that knowing something intellectually and living through it are two very different things. Having a personal operating system of sorts doesn't prevent adversity- it gives you something to rely on and the ability to choose how to respond when it arrives. Without one, every obstacle feels like an entirely new problem.
Know yourself. Gather experiences to draw from, both your own and those of people who have faced similar challenges before you. Read books. Learn from history. Build perspective before you need it.
This isn’t a one-time thing- the question isn’t whether something will happen, but how you will choose to respond when it does.
This mindset was being built long before these moments of adversity. After a difficult period of transition earlier in life, leaving behind my identity as a hockey player, I started intentionally building resilience and collecting ideas to help deal with challenges and navigate uncertainty. Here are some of the ideas I’ve collected in the “Struggle” section of my commonplace book- reminders for the moments when things inevitably don’t go according to plan:
“Adversity doesn’t build character. It reveals it.”
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
“Never hope without an element of despair, and never despair without an element of hope.” - Seneca
“Give yourself clarity, not sympathy.” - Ryan Holiday
“Self-pity is not going to help. It is always counterproductive. When you avoid it, you gain a great advantage over everybody else because self-pity is a standard response, and you can train yourself out of it.” - Charlie Munger
“So you’re taking a few blows. That’s the price for being in the arena and not on the sidelines. Stop complaining and be grateful.” - Steven Pressfield
“The road to success is paved with mistakes well handled.” - Danny Meyer
“I’ve had a great number of problems, many of which never happened.” - Mark Twain
“Very early on, we acquire the ability to pretend that fake problems are real. We spend the rest of our lives doing exactly that. Often, when I’m stuck, it’s because I’ve made up a game for myself and decided that I’m losing at it. “ - Adam Mastroianni
“Moments in which we are thoroughly demolished can be catalysts for changes we were petrified to make.” - Ryan Holiday
“Success does not make you invincible or bulletproof. What success does best is make you complacent and egotistical.” - Keith Cunningham
“For anyone sane, success should breed paranoia.” - Kevin Kelly
“Go get your mother and all her friends,” he told his son with childlike excitement. “They’ll never see a fire like this again.” - Thomas Edison’s response after learning his lab was burning down
“Misfortune weighs most heavily on those who expect nothing but good fortune.” - William Irvine
“It is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself to deal with difficult times.” - Seneca
“Rule: not to give into adversity, never to trust prosperity.” - Seneca
Have a “Reverse clause” so that setbacks or problems are always expected and never permanent (is this a one way door or two way door?) - Ryan Holiday
Why see more misfortune in the event than in your ability to bear it? - Marcus Aurelius
“The biggest mistake people make typically isn’t their initial mistake. It’s the mistake of trying to cover it up and avoid responsibility for it. The first mistake is expensive; the second one costs a fortune.” - Shane Parrish
“If you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note you play that determines if it’s good or bad.” - Miles Davis
“I realized that the satisfaction of success doesn't come from achieving your goals, but from struggling well” - Ray Dalio
“Opportunity has the sly habit of slipping in by the back door, and often comes disguised in the form of misfortune or temporary defeat.” - Napoleon Hill
“You think you have problems? Put your problems on the table with everyone else. You’ll pick yours back up real quick.” - Chris Bosh